Considering that SSOC ran longer than every other Marvel mag combined, it shouldn't be so under-represented here. So I picked this one out of the box, not even remembering what the story was, I just loooove the cover, by Joe Jusko.It's sexy, well designed, and funny as hell--if the title of the piece isn't "My Barbarian's Back(And You're Gonna Be In Trouble)", then by Crom it should be!
The story, by Chuck Dixon and Gary Kwapisz, is titled "Emerald Lust", which is not a porn film set in Ireland, but a Conan tale featuring Valeria and Red Sonja, with everyone's favorite barbarian caught in the middle!
After a sequence with a poor sod riding his boat, frozen to death, we find Conan with a beautiful lass who reveals, post-conquer, that she is the local Chieftan's daughter. Crom! Women...
Of course, a gang of the chief's subjects attempt to apprehend Conan for doing so, and no points for guessing it doesn't work. We then catch up with Valeria, who tells a tale of a beautiful emerald to a group of drunken barbarians. We the cut to Red Sonja, who has been hired by the aforementioned chieftan to hunt down "a big oafish Cimmerian with hair as black as his heart." Sonja starts to guess who this might be...
Conan, looking to board a ship, runs into Valeria and he vouches for her, but not before a kiss, a slap, and a threat to cut Conan a new mouth. Ah, romance! They leave in search of this emerald that is of unimaginable wealth, to a land of freezing water and glaciers.
It's here they run into another ship, with Sonja aboard, which has been chasing Conan. It's here that Valeria and Sonja get into a battle over Conan. Valeria thinks Sonja wants Conan as a mate, and she can't convince Valeria that it's just for a buck. Their battle involves swordfights, thrown punches, and spilling over the side of the ship into the frozen water. As this is happening, they discover the emerald is no more than a giant piece of ice, it's green color being from the seafoam around it. As Conan demonstrates, a chunk of this great emerald melts away in his hand...
Then one of the glaciers starts to collapse, sending giant shards of ice into the water and the ships, sending everyone scattering, some to their deaths. Conan, Sonja, and Valeria find themselves together on a small chunk, where they have to get along to survive. The women's resistance is worn down, and they're forced to both sleep aside Conan for warmth. Ah, this story could've gone so many ways from here...
Anyway, they wake up the next day looking to find land, and instead they run into giant, killer walrus-type monsters and killer sharks. Crom! All this because Conan put his sword in the wrong place!
They get caught in a blizzard, and that looks like that's gonna be it. Luckily, the blizzard passes, and they all wake up, Valeria and Sonja ready to kill each other all over again. All for a piece of ice...
A really fun tale, full of humor and great characterization and high adventure. Kwapsiz uses the black and white very well, and the story is a pleasure to look at, as are all the sexy women populating the tale...
There's also a King Kull portfolio, feauring various moments from KK's life, all by Steve Carr and Al Williamson. We get to see Kull take on a weird amphibian monster, a fiery-sword-wielding skeleton, a giant monster, and even behead a guy right in front of us! Good, bloody fun. There's also three additional Conan pin-ups, which are also bloody and barbaric.
From the great cover til the end, by Crom this is a really fun issue(sorry, once you start talking like Conan it's hard to stop)!
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